Suspender Mugging

21 08 2009

Oh wow, it’s been a while since I’ve felt an urgent need to blog. But this is not the time to go into that. Now is the time to explain something.

Over on Murv’s blog, he mentioned a cute story about baggy pink pants and green underwear. (Go check the link out, it’s on the right over there—–>) A lot of people in the comments expressed concern over the possibility of kids getting away with their ass hanging out.

A long time ago, as I was carousing around the Ohio State campus, because this is the youth of tomorrow, they all had baggy pants. The worst wore baggy pants 4 sizes too large, a pair of shorts, a pair of boxers and whitey tidy’s. That’s just too much pants for the 80 degree weather we were having at the time.

So I had a flight of fantasy. In this fantasy I come across Mr. pants-shorts-boxers-tidies on the street. I then tackle him to the ground and while he’s struggling and wriggling around, I’d get out a pair of suspenders and force them on him, making his pants pull up automatically to the right height.

This didn’t stop with that one. Because I saw a worse offender, walking around like a penguin because the waist was about level with his knees, one hand by the crotch to keep them from falling off entirely. I was thinking to myself, <i>Do they know how stupid and challenged they look?</i>

I then imagined getting a spetacularly embarrassing set of suspenders, probably ones that had little sheep on them, or was completely pink and following the hapless kid for a few feet. Then springing on him compeltely and knocking him to the ground, and again, while he’s struggling, throw the suspenders on him.

As I continued into the more sanity-rich Short North, I imagined a crime spree of suspender mugging. Headlines would read: “SUSPENDER MUGGER STILL ON LOOSE FOR TIGHT PANTS!”, and “SAGGY PANTS BEATEN BY MYSTERIOUS SUSPENDER MUGGER!”

Then I imagined a bunch of copy-cats.  Kids in fear would wear their pants around their waist in public and still sag at home. Gangs of Suspender Muggers would start up and gang up on kids and plumbers. Their slogan: “Say no to Crack!”

While I was cracking up trying to get to my destination, it still gives me a chuckle every time I see those kids running down the street, hobbling about with one hand on their pants.




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